Friday, September 16, 2005
THE ADVENTURES OF DIEGO THE BANDITO
Episode 3: A New Senorita?
Yesterday I arrived in Miami, and let me be telling you, it is nice! I have never seen so many hot senoritas running around in bikinis! Anyway, I decided that my first task would be to get tanked and find some hot bee-ches, so I went to this bar called Crazy Sanchez'.
While I was knocking back the cervezas and playing some pool, this waitress by the name of Conchetta started putting the moves on me pretty heavy. Her make-up was a little crooked, and I think she had a lazy eye, but I was pretty drunk, so I said "What the Hell!" We were getting pretty hot and heavy, but in my drunken state, I called her Hess-u-cuh by accident and she got mad. She broke a beer bottle on my head and ran off. Punta.
So, I gave up on the bee-ches for the night and stumbled into the park for some rest. I curled up by a big rock and slept off the cervezas.
I woke up with a killer headache and the beer-shits. I miss my Hess-u-cah, but I know I must go on and see more before I go home...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
THE ADVENTURES OF DIEGO THE BANDITO
Episode 2: Some Lizards and Tha' Hombre
After I left my old senorita, I hitched a ride on a train and some nice hobos shared their beans with me. I arrived in St. Louis today, and with no job, I decided to go check out the zoo. My favorite animals were these big lizards from the desert. Their hot, sandy cage reminded me of home.
After the zoo, I decided that I needed some greenbacks so I could get some chimichangas and some Cuervo to get wasted. I figured that stealing some hubcaps and selling them would be a quick way to do it, but while I was grabbing my fourth set, I heard a siren and saw The Man (or as we say back home..."Tha' Hombre") coming, so I ditched the 'caps and ran.
They chased me for a while, but then I ran onto a construction site and picked up a hammer to blend in. Tha' Hombre drove right by...stupid bee-ches. I figured that I might as well keep working and earn some cash, and at the end of the day, I had a nice bunch of money in my pocket. Time for some food, booze and bee-ches! Too bad for me, there was not one real Mexican place around, so I had to get a burger and some fries.
Next on my list was the booze and bee-ches...
Monday, September 12, 2005
Check this out...HellBent...a gay horror movie!
Finally, I get to see a couple of guys making out before they get run through with a knife instead of a bunch of big-breasted bimbos!
Although I'm sure I'll have to wait for the DVD release, as I just can't imagine this will get a wide distribution.
Oh well, I'm happy just to see it being made at all!
Hot!
Saturday, September 10, 2005
THE ADVENTURES OF DIEGO THE BANDITO
Episode 1: A Fond Farewell
My dear Hess-u-cah,
I am to be sorry for to tell you this, but I am leaving to see the world.
I am happy that you smuggled me into Amerika, but I am no love you anymore.I am wishing to see all the cool stuffs out there and maybe I find a senorita who knows how to pull my strings right, eh?
I will miss you...and your tacos.
Adios,
Diego the Bandito
PS: You will always be my punta.
That was the letter I sent to my old girlfriend Hess-u-cah before I set out to explore the world. I don't know where I am going to go, but I do know one thing...I am hungry for a burrito, mang.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
I just heard what I think might be the most tender, endearing thing I've ever heard in my life:
"I thought about you while I urinated!"
Wow.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Well, it's been a while...
-Varekai was fucking fabulous! I've watched it on DVD about a hundred times, but seeing it live was absolutely amazing. Just seeing the Twins in person was enough for me to die a happy man. I highly recommend seeing a Cirque show if you ever get the chance, especially Varekai. Thanks so much Ginger!
-I picked up the the most badass movie in recent history, and have already watched it three times. If you haven't seen Sin City, then what the Hell are you waiting for?!?
I'm just elated that Frank Miller says that he wants to make a whole series of movies based on the books!
"If you're asking me 'is there going to be a third,' my question is 'is there going to be a fifth'?" Badass!
-I'm learning to play Poker. It's quite fun, but I think it'll take me a few more games to really get it down. It's memorizing the different hands that trips me up.
Someday I'll be able to give ol' C$$ a run for his money!
-I rode a mechanical bull last night. They said to move up as close as possible to the grip and just go limp when it bucked. I rode it three times.
I have bruises on my inner thighs and on the back of my hand, and I expect that maybe my balls will drop back down in a few weeks. It was fun but...OUCH!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Just 3 more days until Varekai!
I can't wait! I am so excited I could just piss. I feel like a kid at Christmas. I've been wanting to see this show more than anything ever since I got it on DVD forever ago. It's going to be so amazing up close and in person!
I just hope that the Twins, Kevin and Andrew, are still in the show, as they are fucking sex on a silver platter. Not only are they gorgeous, but their act is simply amazing. To see them fly overhead on the aerial straps would be so awesome. This is going to be my first live Cirque show, so Ginger is looking forward to taking me (Justin and Peter are going as well). I just know I'm going to be hooked after this.
Zumanity...here I come...
Thursday, July 14, 2005
No Mo' Homos at Winfield K's or
"Fuck That Stupid, Greedy Fucking Cunt Bitch (Fuck Her 1000%)!!!"
DJ called me last night to tell me that he had some bad news.
Apparently, discussions with the owner of The Clubhouse on several matters turned sour and, as of this Sunday, the entire staff is walking, and taking everything with us.
The issue was not the fact that business has increased ten-fold since we took over, or that her entire operation was taken care of for her (with her only having to collect the money and buy the alcohol, which she could barely even do correctly), or that there was a very large regular crowd created, or that there were many successful events held.
The real issue was simply her supreme cuntiness.
A full-scale dismantling of everything that has been added to the bar in the last nine months began last night, ending with the removal of the sound system Sunday.
I will work my last Friday, and DJ his last Saturday, this weekend. I will undoubtedly get emotional, as discovering that little place was a huge thing for me. Not only did it introduce me to a whole bunch of great new friends, and provide me with a fun little side job, it also gave me a place to think of as mine...my very own "Cheers" if you will.
I will miss it very much, and won't know what to do with myself for the first few Friday nights, but the important thing is that I know I have a whole group of friends who will be joining me in the search for some new little place to call "home."
After all, it's not where you have your fun, but rather who you have your fun with, that counts.
To DJ, Troy, Beth, Chris/Sandra, Mark/Dee, Chance, Brice/Claudia, Jason/Natasha, Jared, Daniel, Anna and all the rest:
Many thanks for showing me a great time!
So...who's hosting next week?
And let it be said that I hope the bar goes under in six months and that the owner contracts a rather nasty strain of syphilis...not that I'm bitter or anything.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Yet again, Harland Williams managed to make me laugh so hard I felt like puking. The show was awesome, and even though we didn't get front row this time, we were still really close (second row) so we got a great view of the absurdity. I can't wait til' the next time he comes around!
All I can say is:
"BIG GREASY ARMENIAN PUSSY!!!"
Friday, July 08, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY C$$!!!
Here's to drinkin', smokin'
and laughin' our asses off!
Thursday, July 07, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEY!!!
Miss you, love you, talk to you soon!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Are you sick of this yet?
*Pic courtesy of explodingdog.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Charlie: I admire you, Donald, you know? I spent my whole life paralyzed, worrying about what people think of me, and you, you're just oblivious.
Donald: I'm not oblivious.
Charlie: No, you don't understand. I mean that as a compliment. There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window and you were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald: Oh, God, I was so in love with her.
Charlie: I know. And, and you were flirting with her and she was being really sweet to you.
Donald: I remember that.
Charlie: And then when you walked away she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were, they were laughing at me. I mean...you didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie: Well, how come you were so happy?
Donald: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
-Adaptation
------------------------------------------
I once had someone send me the above passage at a time when I was hurting very much, and it helped me more than anything else. I wish I had that person in my life right now, but for reasons I still don't even know, that isn't the case.
I wish I knew what to say. I wish they would just let me try to say it. All of my efforts have been for naught, so I just gave up on even trying. I just want to talk it out...but right now that's not happening.
It's a horrible thing to have one of the most important relationships in your life suddenly disappear. It's something I had hoped would never happen to me again...and I just wish I knew what to do about it.
Monday, June 13, 2005
*****GAYEST...SHOES...EVER!!!*****
My Ride With Dareesa or "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
I have a tendency to want to help people out when I think they need it, which, more often than not, gets me into trouble, case in point...
Friday night (well, technically, Saturday morning, about 3:00am) after we closed the bar down, I was headed home and noticed someone standing in the middle of the road near the hospital. I figured that they must be in need of help, wondered why they didn't go to the hospital, assessed the threat level ("okay...black, woman, a little older, a little curvy, alone, not concealing anything, probably not a car-jacker...I hope") and decided to slow down and check things out, all in about 5 seconds.
As I approached and slowed down, I asked if she needed help. She proceeded to tell me that "she had been at a friend's house and needed to go home, but her friend couldn't take her and she had a fake leg, and she was just headed downtown and it wasn't very far, but it's a long walk alone and with a fake leg, could I please help her?" I thought about it for a second and told her that I knew what it was like to be stuck and alone, so sure, (being the total fucking sucker/retard that I am) I could give her a ride.
I pulled into the hospital drive, let her get in and headed downtown. As we're driving down Main St. she makes small talk, asking me my name, introducing herself as Dareesa, asking me what I was doing out so late etc... I told her that I worked at a bar and was on my way home, but didn't mind helping her out.
A minute or so down the road, she says, "Well, I sure do wish there was something I could do to put a smile on your face."
*** DING! DING! DING! Brain-gears grind to a halt!
DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! ***
I think, "Holy fucking shit, I've picked up a hooker! That or she's a cop in a sting or...or...or...Jesus-Tap-Dancing-Christ I've got to be careful and get her OUT of my car!
SHIT! SHIT! COCK! SHIT! PISS! BALLS!"
In the span of about a half-a-second, my mind was utterly and completely blown.
Then...THEN, I hear her say, "Lookie he-ah!" to which, like a retard, I instinctively turn my head, only to be greeted by the priceless view of her shaking her gigantic, fully-exposed left titty at me seductively.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
White-knuckling the steering wheel and shooting my gaze directly in front of me, I say, "Uuuuhhhh...that's okay...I'm just going to take you home...THAT'S ALL! But....um...thank you?!?"
"Well alright then, I sure do thank you anyway though."
We make it to where she was going, I drop her off, wish her a good night and get the fuck out of Dodge faster than you could say "Wha-?"
So, either she was a whore, or, at the very least, she was a slut. And Travis learned never to give help to anyone EVER again...lest he get himself arrested or cut up.
It did make for a good laugh Saturday night though, coupled with Greg's story from a couple of weeks ago about stopping and giving some pregnant hillbillies a ride to the hospital.
The moral of the story?
*DON'T pull over to help people in need,
or at least, not on Main Street.*
Sunday, June 05, 2005
I woke up with glitter all over me
and I don't remember how it got there.
I look like a fairy came on my face.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Tonight...er...I guess technically, it would be LAST night, was an excellent night! We weren't sure how the Strawberry Festival would impact business for the bar, as we're right on the square, which is blocked off for the weekend. Fortunately, there were lots of new faces, and the same ol' regulars were in as well.
I had about a million people come up and tell me how great the music was and how much they love me, which was a wonderful morale booster. I got shit-faced, and made a great amount of cash as well. We danced on the bar for a song and I had several dollars shoved in my zipper, which is always a plus as well. A sexy good time was had by all I think. All in all, it was an excellent night, a great way top kick off my weekend away from work!
If all goes as expected, tomorrow night should be even better...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
El Faggo Blanco
This past Saturday's BlackOut Party down at the Clubhouse went well. We didn't have quite as many as last time, but we're still trying to get the numbers built back up from the fiasco that was the cover/age issue. Regardless, I think everyone had fun and that's what really matters. Oh, and everyone loved my outfit for the party (I was positively glowing under all the blacklights), I felt like the belle of the ball, so I'm looking forward to the next one quite a bit!
Hanging with Paynter afterwards.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Right, so I suppose I was sort of fibbing when I said I'd be posting more regularly, because...well...I haven't managed to get my ass on the computer that often lately. Some things that have been going on:
***I went in to get my hair cut a couple weeks ago and left with a buzzed head. No mohawk, no anything, just a size 1 clipper all around my noggin. I've never had hair this short, it's quite nice, as I can just get up and go (as opposed to spending about 25-30 minutes on my hair), and it's also a Hell of a lot cooler now that the temperature is steadily rising. I was scared at first, but everyone seems to like it.
***I started a weight-loss challenge with DJ and Chance. It runs from this past Friday (the 13th) to Friday, August 12th. Whoever losses the largest percentage of body fat wins. I haven't been doing too bad actually, I'm quite proud of myself. I gave up Mountain Dew cold turkey, and have had nothing but water and milk for a week now. I've eaten more vegetables in the last week than I think I have in the last six months. I've even taken to eating healthy crap like oatmeal.
I'm glad though, because this is something I intend to carry out. I've needed to lose about 40 pounds for a while now, not only for health reasons, but because I haven't felt attractive since...well...ever, and I'm sick of it. By the end of summer, I intend to look like a new man.
*** I began the process for getting myself back into therapy again. They say the third time's a charm! It's something I decided I have to do, because I can see myself falling apart little by little, and I don't want to melt down.
I can't seem to avoid breaking down about everything/nothing all the time. Last week, while doing the dishes, I just started crying and didn't stop for about an hour. I just stood in my kitchen, leaning against the counter, sobbing like a baby and I couldn't stop. I have a lot of hurt that I've been carrying around for a long time and I've come to the conclusion that I just am not capable of dealing with it by myself.
I hope that this chick I'm going to see can help me out, because I don't think I can handle it much longer before I do melt down, and that's no fun for anybody. Mayhaps they'll give me some fun drugs to "happy me up!"
That's it for now kids. Sleep tight, and just remember:
TRAVIS LOVES YOU ALL!!!
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Last night I went with Chris and his friend Cody to a sorority party on the OSU campus. Chris' sister Becky (now a fully vested Big Sister) invited us, so we thought, "What the Hell." Apparently, it was induction day for the new sisters and they were having a kegger to celebrate. All I can say is that a bunch of drunken young white girls dancing and singing along to "Hey Ya" is just about enough to make me want to dive into a sensory deprevation tank for a few years.
On the plus side though, we went to a little hookah bar on High Street called the Shi-Sha Lounge. It was fucking awesome. Mind you, I am not a smoker. I can maybe choke down a Marlboro Ultra-light once every 6 months or so, and it usually gives me a pretty damn good buzz, and that's about it, but let me just say that I could chill and smoke at the Shi-Sha all night long. We shared a hookah of rose flavored tobacco that was soooooo smooth to smoke that I didn't even think I was getting anything at first. I really want to go back and try some of the fruit flavors they have. There was also some Indian mint tea, but I'm not really much of a tea person (iced, hot, green, flavored...it all tastes like ass to me).
The highlight though, was a three-man band by the name of Mas Bagua (pronounced "Moss Bog-way"), which was sort of similar to Soul Coughing I suppose, but perhaps better, in my opinion. It was more like a non-stop flow of poetry set to guitar, bass, keyboards and electric bongos; really great stuff. We checked to see if they had cd's for sale, but they were out, so I'm going to attempt to get in touch with the lead singer to order a cd via the good ol' net. Regardless, had we secured one of the couches, and had we not been heading to said party, I could have sat there all night and just enjoyed the Hell out of myself.
So, the moral of the story is, I suppose:
- Check out the Shi-Sha Lounge on High St.
- Go see Mas Bagua perform if you get the chance.
- And stay away from sorority parties unless you're a deaf/blind person.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
I've been on vacation since last Friday,
and I haven't done shit yet.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
"I like airplanes.
I like anywhere that isn't a proper place.
I like in-betweens."
--Delerium
Well, it's now around 6:45 pm and I still don't know for certain if JD is going to make it in from Phoenix for the weekend or not. He's supposed to call us if he manages to find a flight in sometime this evening, but right now, I'm guessing that it's not going to happen this time. Bummer...I've been looking forward to this for most of the month now. Oh well, I've got the weekend off, and I may as well use it...
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Seriously Old School Photos #1
C$$ and I, chillin' at the beach,
back when we were just lil' bastards.
Good times!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Well, I've been away for a while, so I thought I'd just make one large-ish post to fill everyone in on what's been going on in Travis-Land:
- I celebrated my 25th birthday on March 18th by nursing my hangover from St. Patrick's Day the day before. The next night, I was DJ'ing the Drag Show down at the Clubhouse and Josh, Chris, Chase and my boss, Barb, and her husband came down to party with me. It was a good show, I made some money, got drunk and had a fun rest of the night with my boys. A good send-off for the last 25 years if I do say so myself!
- Last Tuesday I was feeling a bit blah (read: REALLY blah) at work and eventually had to go to the ER later that night because I couldn't breath and felt like I was on fire. After a wonderful 4 hours and a barrage of tests, x-rays and swabs jammed up my nose and into my brain, they diagnosed me with Influenza A and a nasty sinus/throat infection. Let me tell you, this was the REAL Flu, which has nothing to do with the persistant vomitting/shitstorm, etc...that most people think of as "the Flu", and all I can say is that I hope I never get it again! Oy vey! But I'm all better now and ready to party this weekend!
- I got my evaluation and pay increase at work this week and I must say that I am pleased. My district manager said that they are really going to start grooming me for a promotion, but I'm not sure how to tell him that relocation is not an option for me right now, due to financial reasons. I hope it doesn't totally dash my chances, as I would gladly go to a Columbus store. I would miss my current job/work family though. We'll see what happens, but wish me luck!
- As you can see from the pic, I've gone back to the black hair, and also decided to get a Mohawk. It's not exactly a true Mohawk yet, but I'll be fixing that and threatening my stylist in the next few weeks, so then all should be well.
What do you guys think?
- I've got more to write about, but right now I'm hitting a block, so I'll cut this off now. I'll try not to disappear for so long next time. :)
Later...
And remember...
TRAVIS LOVES YOU ALL!!!
Sunday, March 13, 2005
So, Friday night was my first night DJ'ing down at the Clubhouse, and I think it went pretty well, despite the fact that I was nervous as shit! I'll post few pics tomorrow.
I can't wait til Saturday night, the Drag Show should be fun, and the whole birthday thing won't hurt either! :)
I got my first birthday gift yesterday!
When I checked the mail, I found a package from Amazon.com and found that someone had ordered one of my WishList items.
As it turns out, it was from a total stranger!
The message said:
"Happy Birthday. This is just a random act of kindness, and besides that, everyone on the planet should own this CD."
The address is from a guy in Texas, but I can't find an email address, so I'll simply thank him here and hopefully he'll see it...
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GIFT!
IT WAS AN UNEXPECTED, AND WONDERFUL SURPRISE!
AND YES, IT IS AN EXCELLENT CD!
THANKS SO MUCH!!!
Saturday, March 05, 2005
"Today I dreamed,
of friends I had before.
And I wonder why,
the ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt,
but you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
there can't be a fire,
unless there's a flame."
Sometimes I can't help but wonder why it is that some people just disappear. Walking out of my life just as suddenly as they walked in.
It makes me turn inward and try to figure out what it is about me that made it impossible for them to stay.
Was it a singular act or was it a culmination of many things? Did I deserve it?
Is it too late, or would a heart-felt apology be able to begin the long and sometimes painful process of mending a friendship gone astray?
I would like to hope that the latter is true,
because there are some people that I miss dearly.
People I can't help but think about often, people I still love very much.
People who will always be my friends, even if I'm no longer theirs.
To them I can only say this:
I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry.
One of my lost.
Friday, March 04, 2005
I just want to remind all of my bitches that my 25th birthday is coming up on Friday, March 18th!!!
I'm planning on taking the weekend off to celebrate. I want to get plastered Friday night and would like for everyone to come down to the Clubhouse to celebrate with me.
*AHEM* I'm not sayin' anything, I'm just sayin', I've had to endure a Hell of a lot of titty bars (eewwwwwww!), so I hope everyone will brave it for one night to come hang out with me.
It's not everyday that one becomes a quarter of a century old, and I want to remember the whole ordeal, or at least partially remember it. :)
Oh, and I've created a Wish List on Amazon.com just in case anyone gives a shit, although your company that weekend will be gift enough. Travis also loves giftcards from EB! *Hint, hint!*
Monday, February 28, 2005
"It's the only free speech I'm willing to give this year.
I will go to a black church and talk about gay marriage.
The brothers aren't big on queer theory."
--Ann Coulter, as quoted in the January 10 issue of The New York Observer.
Yeah, she's a real stand-up gal Bob! I can see why you back her so much.
Cunt.
Fuck Ann Coulter, fuck the "Religious Right" and fuck black church leaders for not wanting to help another oppressed minority after winning the equality they fought so hard for so long to gain. Hypocrites.
My dear Hess-u-cah,
